How hard is it to get decent sports analysis?

I loathe the Record’s Sports pages. I may have brought it up a time or two. One of the bigger issues I’ve always had with their sports page is that their columnists always suck donkey balls. Lori Gilbert sucked, Two-Minute Driller sucked, and now Bob Highfill sucks. I had high hopes that when Gilbert was banished to the LENS section that the sports columns would get better, now I’m starting to think they just replaced Lori’s picture with Bob’s and let her continue writing sports. Today’s column was so bad I’ve decided it’s FJM time. Let’s dive in, shall we?

Coaching isn’t a secure profession, but the past week or so has been brutal: Mike Nolan was fired by the 49ers on Monday, Denis Savard was dumped by the Chicago Blackhawks on Thursday after four games and Tommy Bowden resigned from Clemson on Oct. 13.

Yeah, the past week may have been brutal for them, but not nearly as brutal as the past month fans of those teams have had.

How cool is it that a Lodi native, shortstop Jason Bartlett, is playing in his first World Series for a team that was a 200-1 shot to make it before the start of the season?

Almost as cool as that timely error he made in waning innings of game 7? By the way, did the Kings play yesterday…wait, scratch that. Basketball in general, regardless of what team, happened yesterday right? I see box scores, but no game recaps, at all. Aren’t the Warriors playing a somewhat interesting preseason game against a non-NBA opponent today? But really, continue blathering on about two east coast teams facing each other in the World Series.

Nolan looked like a beaten man as he walked off the field after Sunday’s loss to the New York Giants in the Meadowlands. It was like he knew his future with the 49ers depended on the outcome of that game.

So the coach of a team that just got beat looked beaten? Wow, I take it all back. This is some crack analysis. I wonder if Tom Cable looked like a winner after winning his first game as a head coach.

Talk about brotherly love, or lack thereof, former Auburn football coach Terry Bowden wrote in his weekly comments at Yahoo.com that his brother, Tommy, deserved to be forced out at Clemson because he didn’t meet expectations. “…he, of all people, knew what to expect when he got into this business.” Thanksgiving at the Bowden house should be on pay-per-view.

Holy shit! An awkward Thanksgiving because of some truthful criticism levied against a family member? That’s like every Thanksgiving ever since the dawn of time. (Including the time Goody Proctor’s kid asked what “that funny thing” on Geronimo’s head was at the first Thanksgiving.) Considering the Bowdens would be having a southern Thanksgiving, I don’t think it even registers on the awkward meter until someone calls someone’s wife a whore while passing the stuffing (stuffing of course being the best Thanksgiving food to use in euphemisms for infidelit. Sweet potatoes is second).

I could wade through the rest of the column, but I’m running a bit long here. But before I go, shame on the Record for not even mentioning the death of a great American hero like Dolemite. A guy who made subjective fashion lists gets coverage, but not the guy who fucked up motha fuckas for a living (amongst other things)? Weaksauce.

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~ by El Duke on October 21, 2008.

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