Our first induction into Stockton’s rube of the month club

Thanks to the wonderfulness of the internet, I’ve pretty much heard every scam attempt known to man. Some of the pitches are pretty good, but even with the best ones, you’d have to be a complete moron (or really really old) to buy into any of them. Fortunatly for con artists, Stockton’s full of morons (and old people). Case in point, the story today that a man got duped out of $2,000 by a guy who approached him outside of a Home Depot.

After reading the article numerous times, I can only come to the conclusion that this guy is the biggest rube in all of Stockton…for this month. So please join me in welcoming our newest feature…

Stockton’s Rube of the Month

Let’s break down just how much of a rube he is, shall we?

So here’s how the con goes. A 31-year old Stockton man, let’s call him “Mark”, is approached by a guy in his mid-20s who claims he’s leaving for Africa and would like to leave bundles of cash at some church.

Let’s break down just the setup first. For one, why was a guy leaving for Africa hanging out in a Home Depot parking lot? Is he leaving the country or looking for work? And Africa? Really? Was he some South African Prince who wanted to leave Mark money after he paid the requisite $2000 transfer fee? Second, and I haven’t been to church in a while so I may not be up to speed on how they do things these days, but who donates money by leaving bundles of cash at the door? But let’s move on.

During the conversation, another guy comes by to join the conversation. Now this is where it gets really good/confusing. The Africa guy then proceeds to tell the two men that if they can prove they have their own money, he would leave the bundles of “cash” with them.

Ummm, what? So he was going to ditch the church in exchange for giving the money to two dudes he met at a Home Depot? Did he somehow dupe Mark into thinking there was a $2000 transfer fee for leaving bundles of cash on a church doorstep? How the fuck does this part, the key part to the con, make any sort of fucking sense?

Apparently Mark couldn’t be bothered with these basic questions involving common sense, he was off to the bank to take out the cash. Which is hilarious because the nearest bank to that Home Depot is either by the Raley’s shopping center or the Union Safe/Starbucks over on Hammer and West. Man, for a guy who is in such a rush to get to Africa that he’s leaving bundles of cash with strangers he met at a Home Depot, our con man sure is patient.

So patient in fact that when Mark returns with the cash, which was promptly “bundled up” and “handed back” to Mark, the con man decides he’s going to go to lunch with the 3rd man who showed up. Which Mark has no problem with as he heads home with bundles that he eventually finds out are full of newspapers (The Coozer is already trying to find a way to add Mark to the Record’s circulation numbers).

So let’s recap, guy gives guy he met at Home Depot $2000 for alleged bundles of cash that he’s being given for no discernable reason. This is pretty much the laziest con of all time. If some guy approached me in a Home Depot parking lot asking for $2000 my house (hypothetical house, I’m not retarded enough to buy property in this area and economic climate) better have a new roof, my parents’ house better have a new roof, and his sister better have given me a blumpkin while their mother washed my balls with a towel moistened by Kim Kardashian’s ass sweat before he gets any money. Trust me, I’ve worked at both of Stockton’s Home Depots (I’ve worked everywhere in Stockton), and I wouldn’t trust $2000 with the fucking manager (they’d lose the money while changing the schedule for roughly the 837th time that week).

In this economic climate these stories are going to become more and more common as people desperatly search for economic relief any way they can. But just because times are tough, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t exercise common sense. If I’ve said it before, I’ve said it a thousand times, if it sounds too good to be true, guess what? It is.

By the way, congrats on winning the Mexican lottery. Didn’t even know you entered you say? Well don’t worry, we’ll get you the 800 million pesos as soon as you pony up the $8000 wire transfer fee. Make the check out to “cash” please.

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~ by El Duke on October 22, 2008.

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