Quick Links for Nov. 13th

The forgetful terrorist is back! (Note: We have no real reason to believe all the explosives being left around are by the same person.) Actually police just found a grenade casing and gun parts in a burning bag behind a Lathrop supermarket, but it does bring us two bits of good news.

A. He’s moved further south to Lathrop so Stockton has nothing to fear anymore.

And B. He’s apparently run out of explosives so he’s just throwing in menacing looking parts.

Whatever happened to the good ol’ shit in a burning bag joke? Gun parts and empty grenades are wayyyy easier to wipe off your shoes than some old fashioned dog shit. At least throw some copies of Fitzy’s latest columns.

While we’re on the subject of weapons that look more dangerous than they actually are, police released a picture of the “replica” gun (via the Record’s Crime Blog) used by the stupid kid who was shot by police. Christian Burkin correctly identified it as a pellet gun. The commentors on his blog post think he’s being a bit nit picky, and he is but not for the reasons they state. He’s not questioning whether or not the officer should have fired upon the kid, he’s questioning the SPD’s wording. You don’t misidentify a weapon to a former military man. That’s like asking an MLB fan why they don’t use aluminum bats. Or trying to convey an actual non-cynical opinion to a hipster. It’s just annoying.

Oh shit! Quick! Marta, Jose, Pepe! Hide! Lupe, whip out those titties and attach them to the milker so they think you’re a cow! And where’s that 6-year old Panamanian boy that just came in this morning? Of all the fucking days the inspectors come on shower day. Shut off the hose Rodrigo! We’ll finish later!

So Delta’s teaching kids how to read the want ads now? I know the classes there are easy and all, but really? I was lucky enough to grow up with both parents in my life, but I don’t credit them with sitting me down and deciphering such cryptic messages as “Dishwasher needed, BJ’s Resturant, flexible hours”. Filling out a job application? Quick, mommy help! Why are they asking for my last name first? I understand these are important life skills to know, but it’s not like my daddy sat me down and explained how to balance a checkbook to me. It’s fucking math. I had $800. I spent $50. How much money do I have now? Fuck, if only Pops were here to help me. Linking college to future income? Man, I wish I had a dad to do that for me, since they don’t start hammering the degree/non-degree income thing into your head until the 8th grade!

Also, they couldn’t have picked a more stereotypical student to feature. Oh man, he has the same Hendrix poster 80% of college students have, he plays guitar, and he’s a music major! He’s overcome so much adversity in his life to become just like every other douchebag toiling away at Delta until their late-20s. Plus, music degree? What? Was journalism full? What other degrees that become useless and outdated the second you graduate are there? I hear the pottery major has an open spot.

In painfully obvious news, who the hell thought appointing a bunch of cat ladies to the Animal Advisory Council was a good idea. The only way that could end is with somebody trying to abuse power that they don’t technically have. And guess what? That’s exactly what happened. Unless the AAC is going to pony up the money for a second animal shelter, then animals are going to get euthanized. Obviously the city of Lodi created the council to try an placate these people, but they forgot one thing. Cat ladies are fucking crazy. They’re lonely and they treat their cats like the kids that either left as soon as they got emancipated from crazyville or were never able to have because God blessed us by punishing their wombs. Either way, the solution is simple. Pair these old biddies up with the foster kids from the previous link. Or bribe them with Winnie the Pooh crap.

And finally, while we’re still in obviousland, clean air apparently has health benefits. In other news, drinking can impair your judgement, the sun will rise tomorrow morning, the Raiders suck, and we also hear the sky is blue.

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~ by Slick Diaz on November 13, 2008.

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