Quick Links for Feb. 24th (aka the beginning of Mandolph Mania!)

Hey, what’s that over there? (Points behind you) Quick Links!

So what you’re saying is this crazy old man is a crazy old man?

Don’t you just love contentious old people? This guy gets caught with a stockpile of guns that would give a trailer park a boner yet he’s still hootin’ and hollerin’ like the feeble gun nut that he is. I’d try and use reason but, let’s face it, that crazy old coot doesn’t dwell in the realm of common sense. He had 600 guns on a ranch (which we will from now on be calling a “compound” to make him seem crazier.) out in the foothills. Why? I’m assuming “gun collector” is code for “secessionist” and he’s preparing for the South to rise again or something.

But that’s not the point. The point is his lawyer knew damn well how batshit crazy this guy was. He’s claiming he can’t afford a new attorney yet he owns a fucking compound (see? Works, doesn’t it?) in the foothills! You knew what you were getting into when you took that old dude’s $15,000 Mr. Foley (sadly, not Mick Foley). Shouting, being combative and belligerent, making derogatory statements; these are things old people do! You try shooting sunshine out your ass when you turn 80.

My grandpa is a cantankerous old religious fart, do I fault him for that? No. He’s like 1000, he gets a pass. For all Buller knows he’s just breaking some balls. His quote said he thought he and his lawyer were friends. I don’t know what you do with your friends, but when I’m kicking it with Bris Isaak I break that fat fuck’s balls pretty much non-stop. Old people are notoriously lonely, and if you don’t believe me go sit at the counter at Denny’s for about 20 minutes and you’ll know what I mean. Buller just wanted a friend to crack on while sipping cognac and shooting at paint cans with the gun that killed Lincoln. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, this can’t be real

This is probably too soon, but I’m going for it anyway. Plus, we’re pretty sure it’s a typo. But either way, Houston Mandolph is the awesomest porn star name ever. When I’m on vacation next week I’m totally introducing myself to random bar strange as Houston Mandolph. Even if it does kind of sound like a name for an actor in movies with all male casts (like Glengarry Glen Ross, but reimagined kind of like The Wiz). Oh, and condolences to the Mandolphs.

I wanna die with dignity, the way God intended. By falling down in the shower and getting found three weeks later so swelled up they won’t know if I’m sofa or man.

Ok, what the fuck’s going on. Black guy in the White House, euthanasia debate, shitty alternative bands raping my ears via the radio, a sub-10,000 Dow Jones, outrage of the closure of See’s Candies; was I magically transported back to the 90s or something?

I’m a huge supporter of euthanasia because I believe people should be able to go out on their terms. El Duke says the most consistent advice he got from the elderly while working in medical supplies was “Don’t get old.” At first he would laugh it up as if they were joking, but he quickly realized it wasn’t a joke because he heard that bit of advice literally every day. Getting old blows, and if you look to the other side of the A1 section, you’ll see it’s fucking expensive too.

Why spend a shitload of money to spend the rest of your life sitting in your own feces while mustering up the courage to yell at those darkies to stop selling drugs on the street corner. They won’t listen, they never do. They just say “Fuck you old man!” and then threaten to beat your ass. Then, before you know it, your only friend is your stupid Jew lawyer who will eventually stop representing you because you called him your stupid Jew lawyer one too many times That sound like a rich, fulfilling life to you?

Of course that’s for other people. Me? I’m going to enjoy getting old. I’m spending my formative years living through the New Depression. No generation that will be alive while I am will have it harder than mine. “Oh, you think you have it so tough having to pay 10 cents per view to watch fuckable hologram porn? Back in aught nine porn was in 2-D and you had to cut your own hole in the magazine! And we had to walk 9 miles in the snow uphill both ways to get it!” It’s going to be awesome.

This is getting way too easy

I didn’t even have to read this article to know subject was old. I just skimmed the article for his age and name. He’s 60. That’s old. Keep that streak alive Lori! But, in an example of the shitty journalistic standards that graced her sports column, she neglects to find out “Cowboy’s” real name. I actually had to go back an read the entire boring, completely useless column to see if I missed it. I didn’t. She finds out where he’s from, how old he his, who his wife is, and where she works but she refers to him as “Cowboy” throughout the entire column and it’s distracting. Not to mention just fucking stupid. I guess they can’t all be Mandolphs.

Rumors of grand, showy, empty gesture at State of the City address…wait, I thought Chavez left

The State of the City address is Thursday, and it promises to be the non-event it always is. Times are tough, we can pull through, take responsibility, blah blah blah . But wait, what’s this in the comments?

“Feb-23 – w84urma — According to a City Hall source, the Mayor is going to announce the council has agreed to forgo their council pay and take the lead in the budget crisis. Bravo Council!!!!”

Oh hey! A savvy but largely empty PR move! Awesome! That’s how a Real Stocktonian would do the State of the City address after all. Of course, rumors started by internet commenters should always be treated as “probably false”. But I figured I’d pass it along. If for no other reason than to get you over to Siders’ blog. Which is loaded with interesting posts as usual.

Oh sure, it may help lay the groundwork to stabilize the economy, but WHAT ABOUT THE TREES!!!???

Nevermind the fact that we’re $30 mil in the hole, every other house seems to have a for sale sign in front of it, or that businesses are closing every week; why didn’t Obama think about the trees!? Yes, while everything else is fucked 6 ways til Sunday, Mike Fitzgerald wants to know why the stimulus package does jack shit for our “dying urban forest”. Yeah, he tackles the important issues on his blog. On a side note, are we the only ones who think Ann Johnston’s “We blew it” was meant to be sarcastic but Fitzy didn’t notice because he was too busy renewing his subscription to Sunset magazine? They’re fucking trees, and we live in California. Big Trees is an hour away. Fuck the urban forest, try a real forest. That’s why it’s federally-protected and the trees in Stockton aren’t.

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~ by Slick Diaz on February 24, 2009.

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