This is what we get for slacking off

We were kind of busy yesterday so we were only able to throw up the Casey post. We’re well aware shit happened yesterday but we just couldn’t get to it. Plus I don’t particularly feel like making jokes about a missing 8-year old. We like to keep it light here. Sure, we’ll make fun of the Teen Slave but he was occasionally chained to a fireplace and had an escape that had varying levels of difficulty depending on which version was being reported at the time. (Oh hey, looks like it’s scaling a wall again today. Must have been difficult to do while jumping from a moving car.)

Anyways, we missed some stuff so we need to play catch up. I guess this is kind of a mini-Quick Links. Although if I wake up tomorrow and nothing happened (this was mostly written late last night), then I totally reserve the right to make this the actual Quick Links. But for now, let’s call it…

Here’s what we missed…

Annnnnnd it’s officially creepy!

Well, that didn’t take long. Fitzy took what was just a simple morbid curiosity and turned it into a very wrong version of Penthouse forums. Look, we got nothing against hermaphrodites. For one, it’s a birth thing. It’s not like they choose to be both. Plus, let’s face it, hermaphrodite is just a fun word to say. I’m having fun typing it right now. But really, and I mean no offense by this, I don’t want to read about how one gets down and dirty. And I’m a curious motherfucker. I’m the one who tried to push the Nasty Fetish Final Tournament as educational (by the way, Necrobeastiality is a juggernaut). But there are some things I just don’t need to know about. Granpappy Casey might think I’m a pussy for thinking so, but I don’t care.

What I do care about is that it didn’t get posted. If Mike Fitzgerald’s blog was more disgusting than mine for two days in a row I’m not sure what I would have done. I’m pretty sure I just would have hung up my keyboard. Would you blame me? I mean I came back with a ruptured fucking hemorrhoid (another fun word to say/type, although I admittedly stole that clench-inducing anecdote from the KSK mailbag). Had he posted that story, it would be like a poker game where I bet big with a full house and he comes back with 4 of a kind. (“I see your anal bleeding, and I’ll raise you shemale sex.”) When that happens you stand up, shake the winner’s hand, and just walk away. There’s nothing more that can be done. That’s what it would have been like had Fitzy outraunched me two days in a row. Fucking scary just thinking about it.

Although I have to admit “hermaphrodite bureau” did make me laugh.

Have we mentioned that David Siders is a bad ass lately?

So yeah, that City Council budget meeting thingy? David Siders showed why the internet is awesome and made that meeting his bitch. He liveblogged the shit out of it and really, I’m just in awe of the whole thing. How can anybody in newspapers say the internet isn’t toally awesome after this? It’s basically his notes for the resulting story. And for a guy like me with a ridculous appetite for information (But again, not about hermaphrodites), this shit is fucking gold. There’s no editor to cut the little interesting parts. Like the fact that, in order to allow time to discuss alternatives, they set a soft deadline for the 30th..of April! Which is a laughable deadline considering how long it’s taken us to even get this far. Of course, calling for the presentation to be to the entire council instead of the Budget and Finance committee, and then sending it down to them anyways always helps speed things up. At this rate we’ll have a state budget before we have a city budget. Oh did I mention that Obama stimulus money (or as I like to call them “hope dollars”) isn’t going to be divided up until May or so (that is, if we are to believe News10)? And even if they pushed the soft deadline the hard deadling (June 1st) is only 30 fucking days later. Like we’ve been saying, this City Council has a knack for timing. Yep, we’re totally fucked.

How dare you insult such a great champion…no, a great American like that

We’ve had our issues with Don Blount, but like all of the stuff on here it’s all in good fun. But, well, he crossed a line this time. You can insult me, my family, my friends, my writing, my livelihood, but you do not insult an American hero like Joey Chestnut. The man is the very definition of a national trasure. Jaws has given up a lot to bring the Mustard Belt back to the US where it belongs. Remember when he burst onto the scene in 2005? He looked young and showed tenacious eating skills. We saw him live at the 2008 Asparagus eating competition pictured in Don’s post. We were actually only about 15 feet behind that cameraman. The man had aged significantly over the previous 3 years. He’s roughly our age but he looks like he’s in his mid to late 30s now. Look, here’s a picture of when he won the belt in a proud day for every American:

That’s 2007, just 2 years ago. Now go back and look at him in 2008. He’s probably shaving years off his life to show that the most patriotic motherfucker is a God damn American. No, really. Read that Wikipedia page I linked to earlier. Shit, if you’re too lazy here’s the important part:

According to legend, on July 4, 1916 four immigrants had a hot dog eating contest at Nathan’s Famous stand on Coney Island to settle an argument about who was the most patriotic.

Joey Chestnut’s not just a guy who can eat a shitload of asparagus and hot dogs. He represents America, on it’s birthday no less, to prove to the rest of the world the America is better and more patriotic than they’ll ever be. Even if it means he’ll probably die in a way that will forever link him with Elvis and Mama Cass. If that doesn’t make somebody a national treasure then what the fuck does?

God, I am so jazzed for the end of April.


~ by Slick Diaz on April 2, 2009.

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